24 July 2016
Do you ever look at the pictures of models whilst having a casual browse on ASOS, and end up thinking about how you look nothing like them? How they're prettier, slimmer, how their skin is perfect and their hair in thick perfectly straight locks down their perfect figure? Because that's exactly how I've been feeling recently.
I'm sat here in my bedroom, with That's The Spirit on repeat through my headphones, with my hair in a towel and my glasses perched on my far from perfect nose and skin. Before sitting down at 10pm, when its dark outside and the only sound I can hear besides my music is the sound of my fingers sliding across these keys, I looked in the mirror. And all I could think was "ew". All I could think about was every ounce of fat that is glued to my skin, the extra fat around my hips and stomach and especially my thighs. "Fat". "Ugly". "Disgusting". That's what is going round my mind over and over again like a carousel.
Whenever I flick through my Instagram feed, I can't do so without coming across numerous pictures of girls (at least half of them I know in person) without admiring their perfectly skinny figures, with perfect tiny waists and hips and collarbones which are perfectly pronounced, and the thigh gaps just perfectly wide and their calfs perfectly slim. They are skinny. And as my finger pauses in it's scrolling on each of them, I can't help but admire that, and ponder over the fact that I don't look like these girls. At all. I'm not skinny. I hate everything about my figure and my body and my appearance. But teenage girls just like me cannot go anywhere without drowing in images of girls with perfect figures. Girls who are skinny.
I have been working out one to two times a day for the past two weeks, and only just beginning to see the progress. I know that I've lost weight, and that I should be happier with my figure now. But I'm not. It isn't enough. Each ounce of fat that I burn off leaves me wanting to burn two more. Each meal that I eat that I think is too big makes me want to skip the next.
I don't know what this is. I know plenty about eating disorders, but I dont know. I don't know if all girls or a lot of girls who don't suffer with anorexia (or any other eating disorder) feel like this, but I do.
I feel smothered. Smothered in a world of perfect girls. Skinny, perfect girls